Liner Notes:

This is not even one chord really. And it’s also about the silliest stupidest thing I’ve ever done. It’s also basically a true story.

Jen generously played the part of Phyllis Diller. The Phyllis Diller laugh was from YouTube.

For those that don’t know, a Lan Party is where people gather in one place, hook their PCs together via a network and play games against each other.

Lyrics:

So I found myself sitting at a cramped folding table at a Lan Party.
People were sitting on either side of me, so close that their elbows were digging into my side.

I knew it was a dream because of the dream like music. See? Only this one had more drums… and bass…

To my left was a friend of mine. Let’s call him Bob. He was playing Quake and swearing like a drunken sailor.

Just then a hideously strong cloud of perfume crammed itself into my nostrils till I gagged.
It reeked of someone wearing 3 gallons of WalMart’s own Smell-B-Good #5
(conveniently sold in spray hose attachable containers)
mixed with a few hundred years of stale cigarette smoke.
I turned to my right to look at the source of this monstrous fog.

It was Phyllis Diller.
She was playing Quake.

Phyllis gave out a short laugh and Bob started swearing.

“Distad… get in here! We’re getting schooled.”

I tried to launch the program but it launched Wolfenstein instead.

Phyllis began cackling at me.

I tried again and got Solitaire!

“Your PC is lousy. You only have a single core processor! What’s that… a lowly gig of ram? Weak at best. That thing’s pathetic Noob!”

She was trash-talking me!

Desperately I tried launching again. What I got looked like Quake. I tried to join the match, but the server wasn’t there.

“Ha ha” “RackinFracking Son of a…. Distad!”

It wasn’t the right version of Quake.

“Is baby coming to play with the big boys and girls?”

“DOH! Distad…”

I looked over at Bob’s screen. Phyllis was winning 117 to 2.

Finally I managed to launch into the right game and connect in.

I saw someone on screen and then my characters’ head exploded.

“HAHA”

Then I woke up. And had to take some Ibuprofen.

The moral of the story is that you should have your PC ready if you’re going to a LAN party.

and Phyllis Diller is l33t.